


How Deadpool Got a Boyfriend

by fluentchaos



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Chimichangas, Deadpool Thought Boxes, M/M, Minor Character(s), Minor Violence, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:41:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7275844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluentchaos/pseuds/fluentchaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tale of how 'The Merc with a Mouth' managed to snag a boyfriend...sort of...</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Deadpool Got a Boyfriend

Oh, hello there! I see the mediocre summary and slightly dubious tags weren’t enough to off put you and keep you scrolling your merry way down the shame, self-loathing, and broken dreams of several pre-pubescent fanfiction authors. Introducing this wondrous one-shot is the one who ships spideypool the very most, the one and only ‘merc with a mouth’ not to say other mercenaries don't have mouths, because oh boy trust me they do. Heh. Anyways, now that I have you here why don't we get started on this epic tale of love, adventure, and gay men in spandex.

 

“In a galaxy far, far, away - shit! Wrong intro!” Deadpool cursed as he swiftly dodged several bullets flying his way.

 

Casually reloading his pistols, Wade glanced around him. “Now, now.” He started condescendingly. “Is that anyway to treat your friendly neighborhood deadpool?” The mercenary asked, a frown showing through his mask as he stared disapprovingly among the criminals lined against the walls of the warehouse.

 

“You're the one who busted in here and started shooting us!” One of them yelled angrily.

 

“Oh! My bad!.” Deadpool said, jumping onto a nearby generator and beginning his massacre. 

 

Starting with the one who spoke up, Wade continued unloading his pistols down the path of criminals, dodging bullets meanwhile.  Reloading his pistols once again, he surveyed his surroundings. “Hm. Seems like I  took care of that pretty smoothly, I mean what would one expect from such a -”

 

“ _ Fuck! _ ” The merc cursed out when he felt a sharp pain pass through his shoulder. Whipping his head around back and forth, Wade’s eyes narrowed when they landed on a man hiding in the far corner of the warehouse. “ _ Motherfucker. _ ” 

 

Stalking forward Wade twirled his guns in loops as the man backed himself into the corner and began shaking in fear. Coming to a stop in front of him, Wade grew a wide smile.

 

**[Shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot him!]**

 

[I agree, you should shoot him.]

 

“Looks like you're gonna receive a load pal, and not the fun kind.” Wade called out.

 

“Wait! Wait I -”

 

Once unloading what one may believe to be an unnecessary amount of ammunition into the man’s skull, Wade holstered his weapons and left the now abandoned warehouse, shutting the door behind him with an accomplished sigh. 

 

“Another honest day’s work, all done. It’s nice to live as a top notch citizen isn’t it?” The merc said pleasantly, shielding his eyes from the bright sun.

 

[ Top notch citizen? Yes, and Betty White is actually black.]

 

_ Grumble. _

 

**[I’m hungry as fuuuuuuck]**

 

“Shut the fuck up guys and lets go get some chimichangas.” Wade called out, ignoring the odd looks from the near passersby.

 

***

 

Once acquiring said chimichangas, Wade settled onto a park bench near a duck pond, humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like the Little Einsteins theme song.

 

Swallowing the remains of his fourth piece of heaven in a deep fried tortilla, Wade hit his fist against his chest and let out a loud belch.

 

Taking his time unwrapping another chimichanga, the merc was interrupted by a loud squawk. Looking down, Wade nudged the small duck away from him with his foot. “Don’t be a pig Pedro, it’s seriously unattractive, besides, you’ve had your fair share of mexican food for one day.”

 

Taking a bite of his tortilla wrapped goodness, Wade continued humming.

 

[ **We’re going on a mission start the countdown!]**

 

**[** 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! **]**

 

[ **Everyone to rocket! Rev it up now!** ]

 

“RRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

 

_ Snap. _

 

“What the shit?” 

 

Quickly glancing around Wade met eyes with a brunette with doe brown eyes hiding behind a pair of thick framed glasses. 

 

[Not bad…]

 

Giving his body a once over from the lithe yet muscular form to the prominent curve of his bottom, Wade’s eyes widened.

 

**[Holy shit on a twizzler.]**

 

“Well, well, baby boy, come meet papa.” Wade mumbled, abandoning his precious chimichangas to go to the brunette bombshell.

 

Upon seeing the infamous anti-hero stalking towards him, the bombshell’s face grew half afraid, and half curious. Wade would prefer one of those halves to be arousal but he supposed that they’d work up to that.

 

Coming to a stop directly in front of the bombshell, Wade casually moved into his best flirty pose - one foot facing the brunette, one to the side, his weight leant heavily on one side of his body, and a slight tilt to his torso - perfect! 

 

“So baby boy, you take pictures of strangers in the park often? Or am I just  _ that  _ attractive?” The merc drawled out.

 

**[Tch attractive? Yeah right with our nightmare inducing face.]**

 

[He doesn’t know about that yet though, does he?]

 

Ugly face or not, the blush that lit up that bombshell’s face was priceless.

 

“Uh - um, I’m sorry. I work for the Daily Bugle, I was just trying to get a few pictures for this week's paper.” The man stuttered - was he a man? He looks like he could be a teenager.

 

[The Daily Bugle? So he’s a paparazzi?]

 

**[Oh shit! Were we eye-fucking a minor?!]**

 

“I didn’t realize the Daily Bugle hired jail bait, anyways keep the pictures, I gotta go finish my lunch before those shit birds eat it.” Wade responded, waving the boy off and turning back to his bench.

 

[There’s no way he would have wanted us anyways.]

 

He froze when he heard an angry scoff behind him.

 

“Pardon my manners but i’m twenty two and most definitely not jail bait, so i’d appreciate if you didn’t make unfounded assumptions based on my looks.” That for some reason even more attractive when angry voice called out from behind him.

 

Slowly turning back around, Wade raised his eyebrows appreciatively.

 

“So baby boy’s got a temper huh? Hmm. How about you -” Wade started, pointing at the  _ man.  _ “Be  _ my _ \- He continued pointing at himself. “ _ Boyfriend _ ?”

 

The merc watched in amusement as the bombshell grew a blush that reached further than the last, and Wade would  _ love  _ to see just how far down that blush would reach.

 

[We’re hard.]

 

“Wha? B-boyfriend? Are you out of your mind? I don’t even know your name!” The man replied obviously flustered.

 

“The name’s Wade Wilson, can we be boyfriends now?” The merc asked.

 

“What?! No! I’m..not dealing with this alright. Thanks for the picture, bye.” The bombshell said, turning away from Wade and storming away.”

 

**[Noooooooooooooo!!!!]**

 

[Called it.]

 

“Fuck you, White.” Wade muttered.

 

“Wait! What’s your name baby boy?” Wade called out as a last ditch effort.

 

Sighing, Wade began to turn around.

“It’s Peter Parker!” The voice shouted back.

 

**[Holy shit does that mean?..]**

 

“We’re boyfriends now.” Wade said aloud, crossing his arms with an accomplished smirk

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, comments are always nice to read so feel free to do so.


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